This blog seems to be wandering around a lot, but it’s not lost.

I started it as a platform to express my gratitude for Secular 12 Step Recovery, how it saved my life, what I’ve learned about it, how it fills a life-saving demand for a program that’s not God-centered but still incorporates recovery from addiction through spiritual growth, and how I think it can grow to save more lives.

I enjoy writing not only as a means of expressing my authenticity but also as a tool to help me grow. It’s not unusual for me to wake up with a foggy head and just start writing freely, and when I sit back and read what I wrote, I see that something of value weirdly came to the surface without me actually thinking on it. Something that I needed to read at that time in my journey.

So, I wanted to write a post about where my spirituality is at. Just because I embrace secular recovery doesn’t mean I don’t have spirituality at the centre of my life. As I’ve said before, I need my recovery to be secular so I can focus on the practical day-to-day stuff that keeps me sober, growing, and useful to others. There’s also a lot of people needing to get sober who see ‘God stuff’ in 12 Step meetings and turn around and leave. They may get sober another way, but too many end up drinking themselves to death. That almost happened to me! That’s why I support secular recovery.

So am I agnostic? I think so. What does agnostic mean to me? It simply means that I just don’t know for certain if there is a God, a Goddess, or multiple versions of either or both. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to believe, or that I don’t pray or ask for spiritual guidance, or that I don’t have faith in an ultimate reality, a greater consciousness, beyond the limits of what we sense in the physical plane. I actually have my own theory about the existence of God that works for me.

I don’t believe in a ‘personal’ God. Some sort of higher power that intervenes in the lives of those who pray to it (or not). I do think we each can be connected to a higher consciousness that’s Love. I choose a capital-L ‘Love’ because for me it’s the only thing that’s eternal and real. I’d say ‘God’ and ‘Love’ are interchangeable. And if we live in a way that is connected to this Love, our actions and choices are ‘good’, we feel connected to all living things, this connection heals fear and dislocation, and we find it more natural to be present in the here and now, as opposed to dwelling on the past or worrying about what is yet to come. It fills us with compassion for all suffering beings. Our connection is so real and so strong that when you suffer, I suffer. When you are elated with joy, I am elated with joy.

My parents never went to a place of worship. My mother was raised in a Baptist hellfire-and-brimstone religion, and when she fled her place of origin, she left the church behind. My Dad was raised Anglican, became agnostic, and often said to my sister and me that all religions share a common principle: the Golden Rule. I never went to church. I was encouraged from an early age by my parents to find my own path. I’ve tried religions, sought out my place, but never really found a home.

I encounter people of faith who identify as Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jew, Buddhist, Pagan, etc.. Good people do good works. It doesn’t matter what religion a person believes. It doesn’t matter if they don’t believe. Beliefs can bring people together, but they can also tear them apart. I think I’m attracted to the idea of Love because it could be seen as the foundation of the Golden Rule. Let’s lift each other up. Leave no person behind. What’s so funny about peace, love, and understanding? All you need is love.

The closest I get to this spiritual Love is when I’m in nature. It can be in canoe on a still lake or beside a raging ocean surf. When I’m alone with nature, I feel comforted, embraced, and connected to all. When I’m in nature with a group of people who are in ceremony or celebrating nature, I feel like I have at long last found my spiritual home, where I’m meant to be, where I belong.

Although I now live in a dingy little apartment by an airport on the edge of a city, I have lived many beautiful moments when I experienced that spiritual home, that Love, both alone and with like-hearted people. I can also find it in my mind.

For a long time, my ‘imaginary meditation refuge’ has been a small tent sitting on a long, high spit extending out into the sea, with cliffs all around it. The only way in and out is a narrow footpath from the mainland. It’s naturally protected, and it’s also guarded by my spirit animal, a bear! There’s always a nice breeze, and I can hear the waves pounding the rocks below. Sometimes I invite visitors—spiritual teachers, relatives who have passed on, and even animals! I see them wandering carefully down the path. I invite them into my tent, and we sit and share the space, often talking about life and spiritual matters.

Yeah, I need to return there, because I’m feeling disconnected a lot these days.