One of my goals here is to sift through traditional Twelve Step recovery concepts and make the language and ideas more palatable for agnostics, free-thinkers, atheists, and non-believers who, like me, are in recovery from addiction. I also work stuff out in my mind as I write, with my first draft often becoming my published page as has happened with what follows.

I am so very grateful for the existence of Secular Twelve Step recovery and its people-ship. It is my place of refuge from the stormy resentments that can build-up in my mind at traditional Twelve Step meetings when members get a little too giddy about God. One such instance occurred last night. A member said “Everything happens for a reason.”

Normally, that would slip under my radar, but last night my shackles went up. It is, from a secular viewpoint, quite correct to say since every effect has a prior cause. Yet as an agnostic who recovers without God, my objection is with the assumption that there is a Prime Mover behind the things that happen in life. And, last night, the speaker used the phrase with that assumption in mind.

My problem with the belief that everything happens for a reason (they do mean God’s reason, by the way) is personal—I survived early-childhood trauma, and grew-up with the belief that I was ‘saved for a purpose’. The ‘specialness’ conferred upon me really screwed me up, as I’ve talked about before.

“But I mean the universe, not God.” Hmm…I think I would prefer you to be honest and just say God. Because now you’re getting into Grand Design, which is something like God’s Blueprint and that’s a whole different kettle of fish altogether!

I want to explore the evolution of the ‘everything happens for a reason’ idea in traditional Twelve Step culture. We don’t need to look very hard to find its origin.

One of the most popular and oft-cited passages from the basic text of AA, aka ‘the Big Book’, can be found on page 417 of the most recent edition. It goes as follows:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

First off, this passage is not in the main text of the book. It is found in the second part which contains a number of stories written by members sharing their journey in recovery from alcoholism. Next, I believe there is a lot within these words to unpack and explore, and much of it can be of great value to anyone working a secular recovery. Lastly, whenever I encounter some sort of recovery guidance that refers to God, I meet it head-on and ask myself, “What is the goal of this guidance, and what action do I need to take to meet its intent?” So, let’s work this one out on paper (rather, in pixels).

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

Okay, that’s a bold claim. We know there are some things that are indisputably unacceptable, the harming of a child or an animal, for example, but let’s keep going.

When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me

Yup. I have feathers, and any noun or circumstance can ruffle them.

and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

But… but what about the child?? The kitten?!?!

That is not what this is about. This is about everyday, mundane collisions with things beyond our control. I must first recognize that I cannot control that person, that place, that thing, or that situation—all I can control is how I respond to them (or it). This passage aims to find a path to serenity during a challenging situation.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.

[Let’s just skip that one and return to it later.]

Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.

Denial kept me sick for a long time. In order to see how addiction was destroying me and everything I touched, I needed to hit bottom first. Something about that hard impact removed the blinders long enough for me to reach out for help. To get sober, I had to admit I was beaten. This opened me up to finding a different way to live, and I found the Secular Twelve Steps.

Recovery can be filled with happiness. Yet between the happy moments, we often struggle with living life on life’s terms. So what are life’s terms? I think the terms of life are pretty simple and can be summed-up in three words: This Is It.

Driving down the highway listening to Sober Mixtape #3 and everything is right in the wor—what the hell that truck almost forced me into the ditch is he blind or just a fucking idiot serenity now serenity now!!

Obviously, it is not acceptable to be pushed close to peril by a speeding 40-ton machine, so what is it that I’m being asked to accept here?

I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

So that’s the point. Yes, it is perfectly normal to freak out when put in danger. Yes, a burst of anger is a perfectly normal response when experiencing fear for one’s life. Yes, it is almost certain that the truck driver didn’t see me, and, yes, I was distracted from the fact that I was cruising along in his blind spot jamming to my roadtrip music.

I’m being asked to accept that that just happened, including all the feelings of the situation. This is not a natural response for an addict. When using, I ran from feelings.

I only have control over my response. What am I going to do? Until I accept that it happened and that moment is gone, I am trapped in the anger. I’m being asked to pull over and calm down. I can be back on the road again enjoying my tunes and drive after only a couple of minutes of meditation. The action taken to meet the intent of this passage helps me find peace.

That’s a simple example. What about a more challenging situation, such as being betrayed by someone we love?

Again, I think we’re not being asked to accept the unacceptable. The point is to accept that it happened, and that we have understandable emotional reactions to that. Feeling the feelings won’t make us drink and won’t kill us, but to avoid them might. Then we meditate on the action we require from ourselves to ensure our sobriety. It’s usually something along the lines of ‘Call my sponsor’ and ‘Don’t drink and get to a meeting’.

In the end, those of us on the secular journey through the Twelve Steps don’t live in God’s world, many things happen by mistake (or chance), and not all is exactly as it should be. In fact, were we to wield a magic wand, much could be improved. But I’m an addict in recovery, and you don’t want me anywhere near a magic wand.

This Is It.

If I keep smacking my head on reality, I’m not going to recover. I believe we are being asked to find a direct path from emotional reaction to rational response without creating more havoc (karma) along the way. Accept something happened, and accept the emotions as a natural consequences of what happened. If we deny the feelings, we deny the event. Then we take healthy action in response to what happened. We don’t suffer longer than necessary, and we don’t suffer alone.